April 3rd, 2008 at 12:16 pm
During Bible study Sunday the topic of forgiveness came up, and there was one family whose son had made some really bad decisions involving drugs, jail, money, and other fun stuff. Under appreciable control, she confided how it was so hard to forgive the 20-something even though we are expected to.
Forgiveness is hard, I said, because even though you have forgiven someone, the results from that sin are still right there in your face: missing money, addiction, scars, broken marriages, and so forth.
My older daughter can say, “Daddy, I’m sorry,” when she is asked to put toys away, but that doesn’t clean up the mess, and it certainly does her a disservice for Mom and Dad to just clean it up for her. That turns our benevolence and mercy into an opportunity for abuse. Mom and Dad deserve better than that. Everyone deserves better than that.
The Absolution we receive from God and his called and ordained servant is free, and we are free indeed. God “bespeaks us righteous,” and it is so. It does not absolve us from the consequences of our misdeeds and change the reality of what was done.
The idea of a penance, before all the trappings of papal works-righteousness are applied, is a noble one taught by God:
So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift. Come to terms quickly with your accuser while you are going with him to court, lest your accuser hand you over to the judge, and the judge to the guard, and you be put in prison. Truly, I say to you, you will never get out until you have paid the last penny. (Matthew 5:23-26)
That last sentence doesn’t sound very merciful, but that’s the way the world works.
People operate in their sphere of influence with basic rules and expectations, in a Golden Rule fashion. Imagine how much less you could get done if you had to throw all social expectations out of the window and watch every single person to see if they were possibly a threat to you. Instead, you expect people to behave under certain norms. You make plans that you will be able to get things done, plans that are messed up when someone does the unexpected.
Turn that around and consider when you impinge on someone else. You’ve not only done them initial harm, but now you have prevented them from doing what they set out to do.
Allowing one’s neighbor to fulfill his or her expectations, rather than the threat of hell, is why we try to right the wrongs we have committed. Some actions cannot be undone, but the rest we should try our very best to undo. Forgiveness is for the right-hand kingdom; cleaning up your mess is for the left.
April 4th, 2008 at 9:55 am
People confuse forgiveness with toleration. Forgiveness doesn’t just mean all your misdeeds are now, suddenly okay! No. It means I will not require you to be punished. You still have to do right.
If you are my child and I forgive you for not having picked up your toys, it means I still love you the same as ever and I will not spank you or send you to sit in the corner or dock your allowance. But you do still have to pick up those toys! Forgiveness does not mean it’s okay to leave them all over the floor.
Zacchaeus escaped punishment. But he also gave half his money to the poor, and restored everything he had stolen, four times over.
Forgiveness, in the case of the son who made bad decisions re drugs, money, jail, etc., just means the parents love him as much as ever, and treat him with as much compassion and kindness, and nothing will prevent that. It doesn’t mean pretending it didn’t happen. It doesn’t mean pretending what happened is okay when it isn’t. In fact, if they love the son, they inescapably hate what he has done, mainly because of how destructive it has been for HIM!
Remembering how much we ourselves stand in need of forgiveness often makes it easier to forgive others.
Anastasia