Necessary Roughness

Dr. Veith over at Cranach linked to a Washington Post column that notes that there is a pattern, dare he say, a liturgy, about the way politicians reveal their wrongdoing to the public. The comments are great, as they cover Little League, kids in trouble at school, the birthday party, and the wedding reception.

I give you The Airline Liturgy of St. Timothy (the patron saint of travelers, of course):

Service of the Preparation

Schedule ride to airport prior to the day of travel.
Pack the night before.
Wake up.
Shower, dress, pack toiletries.
Check pockets for anything that TSA might have a problem with. Pack found items.
Drag 45-lb luggage downstairs, being careful not to wake the kids.
Having left the laptop on, issue final notices that one will be out of touch.
Pack computer.
While waiting for ride, ponder what one possibly forgot this time.
Remember said item, retrieve and pack.
Get picked up by ride.
Listen to radio for last-minute traffic jam information, which is usually not current enough to do any good.
Get dropped off at airport.

Service of the Security

Skip the curbside check-in because everyone is doing it nowadays, and the shorter frequent-flier lines are quick enough. Further benefit includes not having to tip the skycap.
Approach the self-service machine.
Final check-in, report number of bags.
Check pockets again for anything that might irritate TSA such as pocket knives.
Wait for clerk to apply sticker to luggage.
Move luggage to TSA scanners (In Columbus, the airlines don’t take your luggage until after scanning).
Preemptively notify TSA that there are no locks and no film on said luggage.

At this point, if plane is delayed, consider whether food is more convenient inside or outside secured area.

Proceed to security line.
While waiting for security, ponder what one possibly forgot this time.
Show bored TSA agent government ID and boarding pass. If one picks the hyper TSA agent, they’ll break out the UV beam and insist that the ID be removed from the wallet.
Approach X-Ray and metal detector.
Remove laptop from bag, turn second bag on side.
Remove shoes, place them in bin with coat.
Remove keys, phone, PDA, place them in second bag.
Pray that Teller is not standing behind you with a metal ball. Whoops, got to keep this secular. My bad.

At this point, if one has SSSS on his or her boarding pass, an extra penance is due the traveler which consists of swabbing all pockets of all bags for explosives residue, and if one is lucky, a quick frisk of the arms and legs. The extra penance takes about 15 minutes.

Put shoes back on, collect stuff, get bins out of the way as quickly as possible.
Proceed to gate, unless one is in Denver, then one proceeds to the escalator, the train, the escalator, and the gate in succession.

Service of the Airplane

Beg counter for Economy Plus or First Class seating if available, especially on longer flights.
Wait for pre-boards to board, running through George Carlin’s “Airline Announcements” for entertainment.
Board when your section is called.
Wait in jetway when traffic backs up.
When someone cannot read their boarding pass and locate their seat, or they may wish to sit near someone else, offer to trade seats with them, unless that seat is in the Exit Row with the nice leg room, in which case kick them out and buy them a beer later.
If there is military on the plane within sight and correct change is on person, buy military an adult beverage. Keep airline coupons for such an opportunity.
If person boards with passport in Arabic, consider not sleeping on the plane that segment. Yeah, it’s profiling. Just don’t say anything.

Conclude the liturgy either by habitually sleeping as the engines roar out of the gate or by reading a book for reporting on one’s blog.